1
00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,940
(theme music plays)

2
00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:29,780
♪ All of the animals ♪

3
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♪ Out of your front door ♪

4
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,952
(tranquil jazz music playing)

5
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Hmm...

6
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Mmm!

7
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(sultry jazz music playing)

8
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,696
♪ Hold me for the,
hold me for the moment ♪

9
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:12,072
Bye, Mommy!
Bye!

10
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,741
Bye!
Bye, Mom!

11
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:16,118
She looks good.
She does look really good.

12
00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:17,369
So, first off, we have,

13
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:19,580
um, tickle fight
for the next two hours.
Mm-hmm. Sure.

14
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So that's just you and me back
and forth tickle fighting.
Got it.

15
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Hour two, we're gonna wrap
around the back of the couch
and we're gonna scratch at it.

16
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Mm-hmm.
So, really loose,
really impromptu session

17
00:01:27,505 --> 00:01:29,089
of just scratching
the back of the couch.
Mm-hmm.

18
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After that, we're gonna
play the ball game.
Right, of course.

19
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The little tiny ball.
Yeah, the tiny ball.

20
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Just bat it
back and forth.
Mm-hmm.

21
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And after that, we're gonna
go into a pre-lunch snack.

22
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Okay, I'm sorry.
A light thing of dry food

23
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,642
before we get
into the wet food.
I'm sorry.

24
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:41,519
Phil, I just need
to interrupt you.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

25
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Because I just want
to make sure that you know

26
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I do have something at 3:30.

27
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Something, meaning like...

28
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It's just something I have
in my calendar.
Well, push it.

29
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,613
I can't--
Well, push it.

30
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Look, I--
You can't--

31
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,282
I'm sorry.
You can't spring this on me!

32
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,659
I-- Look, I can't move it.

33
00:01:56,659 --> 00:01:58,494
I-- Mike!
It's something that's
very important to me.

34
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What is it that's
so important?

35
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You want me to tell you
what it is?
Yes, I wanna know!

36
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All right.

37
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At 3:30 today...
I have naptime with Phil.

38
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(gasps)
We're doing naptime
today, man.

39
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I'm messing with you!

40
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:14,343
(sobbing)
Oh, don't get upset.

41
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Don't get ups-- No...

42
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Okay, I'm sorry.

43
00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,723
That was a joke.
It was a joke.
No...

44
00:02:19,723 --> 00:02:21,892
No, it was--
I love you. Look at me.

45
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,893
I love you.

46
00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:24,270
I love you so much.

47
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,522
I love you a lot.
I love you so much.
I just love you so...

48
00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:27,940
(knocking)

49
00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:31,193
Excuse me. Neighbors?

50
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,653
Whassup?
Mike, who is that?

51
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,030
Okay, I don't--
I'm not sure, actually.
I don't know.

52
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,407
I've never...
What's happening?

53
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:38,367
No-- Tell him to go away.
Um...

54
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,703
No espeakay...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

55
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No espeakay Español.

56
00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,039
No espeakay.
Uh...

57
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No, no, no, no, no...
No espeakay!

58
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I'm your neighbor.
I locked myself out.

59
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I just wouldn't mind
using your kitty litter.

60
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I'm prairie-dogging
pretty hard.

61
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We've all been there.

62
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,260
Okay, sir, um,

63
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:58,804
you can understand
we don't normally get
visitors like this, so...

64
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:01,599
I know I look
like a squatter or something.

65
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I live right next door.

66
00:03:02,558 --> 00:03:04,476
I mean, I'm right--
Oh, you're in 103?

67
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,312
Yes.
We've never seen him
before, though.

68
00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:08,981
Well, Mike, I would say,
I've never left the apartment.

69
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,232
Oh, that's true.
So...

70
00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:12,192
We have not gone
outside these walls.
That's probably it.

71
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So, yeah, if I could
really get in there.

72
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I'm about to explode.

73
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Both:
He's got to use the bathroom.

74
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I mean, this is just rude.

75
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This is just rude
at this point. Get in here!
This is rude of us.

76
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,453
Get in here, guy!
Come in here!

77
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Neighborly, right? I should
have brought something.

78
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♪ ♪

79
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Oh...

80
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(gulps)

81
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(coughs)

82
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So, we were flying
over Calgary, right?

83
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:43,474
And we was like--
Yeah, we were
right over there. Yeah.

84
00:03:43,474 --> 00:03:45,517
Yeah, and we saw
this Boeing come by.

85
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,853
That's a plane.
That's a big plane.

86
00:03:47,853 --> 00:03:49,188
Remember the big
plane, Shane?

87
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:50,731
Yeah, the Boeing 747.
Yeah.

88
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:52,191
Okay, so he knows
the deal, okay.

89
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,276
Yeah, it was huge.
And you can't really pass them

90
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:56,236
because of the side
things on its wing.
Right. Mm-hmm.

91
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,863
You get sucked
right into it.
Right.

92
00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:58,947
That happened to Gary.

93
00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:00,407
Do you remember Gary?
Oh, my-- Yes!

94
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:01,867
No, I know.
And I remember.

95
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:03,702
And the feathers were
flying all over the place.

96
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:04,703
And I said,

97
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,372
"Well, Gary has
just passed on."

98
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:08,415
That's right. You said,
Do you remember
what I said? I said,

99
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,376
Both:
"Gary has just passed on."

100
00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:12,044
Guys, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I said that.

101
00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,629
You just--
Can you just stop?

102
00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:15,297
Just stop talking?

103
00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,800
Do you know how many
times you've told this story?

104
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It always feels
like the first time.
Mm-hmm.

105
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Every day!
In this exact spot.

106
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,391
Aren't you sick of this?

107
00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:26,725
Should we move?

108
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,811
There's a trash
can over there.
Yeah, it's right there.

109
00:04:28,811 --> 00:04:30,688
It's great.
We've been to the trash can.

110
00:04:30,688 --> 00:04:33,482
I feel like there's
a whole world out there,

111
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and we've never seen it.

112
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Aren't you curious?

113
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We should head over
to the trash can.
Let's go to the trash can.

114
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:40,489
I think we just go.

115
00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,324
Why don't you guys
go to the trash can.

116
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:43,742
I'm just gonna...

117
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:46,036
I think I gotta go.

118
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,539
Huh. Well, good
on Shane, you know?

119
00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:51,458
So, anyway, he gets
too close to the wing,

120
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,377
and he just got-- whoosh!
sucked right in.

121
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Oh my God,
it was so disturbing.

122
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♪ ♪

123
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,226
What the--

124
00:05:09,226 --> 00:05:10,853
No way.

125
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,523
Swans.

126
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,026
Sorry about that.
You understand.

127
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,153
You can't just
let anybody in.

128
00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,739
Totally fine.
Water under the bridge.

129
00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,615
I don't think
we got your name?
Alex.

130
00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,284
Alex, oh cool.
Yes, nice to meet you.

131
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,285
I'm Mike.
Mike.

132
00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:27,703
This is my brother, Phil.
Phil.

133
00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:29,037
Okay, Phil, what's up?
What's going on?

134
00:05:29,037 --> 00:05:29,955
How you doing?

135
00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:31,248
So cool.
This is cool.

136
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,167
So cool to have
another guy in here.
This is different.

137
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,251
Phil:
Um, so this is our home.

138
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:35,836
Mi casa es su casa.

139
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,463
Holy shit.

140
00:05:37,463 --> 00:05:38,839
Yeah, it's um...
Yeah, no, it's pretty nice.

141
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,257
This is our space.
Home sweet home.

142
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,801
We're actually thinking
of knocking down
this divider wall

143
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,052
Mm-hmm.
and making it one--

144
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,722
Less with the chatting,
more with the touring.

145
00:05:46,722 --> 00:05:47,890
Am I right?
Yeah!

146
00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:49,391
Let's give him a tour!
Let's do it!

147
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:50,851
Let me check
this place out.
Okay, cool.

148
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:53,645
What kind of expensive shit
do you have in this house?

149
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,564
Phil:
Yeah, so this is
my little scratch pad.

150
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,608
This is where I come
to get away.

151
00:05:57,608 --> 00:06:00,569
Um, just be, like,
creative, and really
let the juices flow.

152
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,279
Wait, what are
you working on?

153
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:03,781
Oh, it's nothing, really.

154
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:04,865
It is something.

155
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,075
Tell him. Tell Alex.

156
00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,495
Well, it's a little
novel. Um, it's--

157
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:10,704
You're writing a book?
Yeah.

158
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,122
That's always been
a dream of mine.

159
00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:14,541
Oh my God, it's so nice
to see another writer!

160
00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:15,834
Insane, right?

161
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,669
Yeah, it's a novel
about my brother, Mike.

162
00:06:17,669 --> 00:06:18,837
So, it's...
Amazing.

163
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:20,339
Yeah, he commissioned
me to write it.
I did.

164
00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:23,300
So, it's a mixture of
Mike history, Mike anecdotes,

165
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:25,010
and just general Mike-isms.

166
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,428
Uh-huh.
'Cause I think it's...

167
00:06:26,428 --> 00:06:28,847
it's such an honor
to be with you every day,

168
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,516
and I love you so much.
Oh, thank you, so much.

169
00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:31,767
I love you so much.

170
00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,685
You are everything to me.
Thank you. I appreciate that.

171
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,979
You guys have
an intense relationship.

172
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,148
I don't know
about "intense."
I don't think it's that...

173
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:40,859
Well, I mean,
intimate, brotherly...

174
00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,194
Brotherly is the word.
intimacy.

175
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,195
A brotherly intimacy.

176
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,696
You wanna
go see the mirror?
Yes!

177
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,032
Let's see the mirror.
You gotta see Mike's mirror.
It's gorgeous!

178
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:48,534
I'm into mirrors.

179
00:06:49,493 --> 00:06:50,994
Cool, so this is my mirror.

180
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:54,998
Um, I guess, just, really
where I go to, well,
look at myself.

181
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,583
Nice.
Me, too.

182
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,210
But it's really--
But I go to look at yourself.

183
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,670
Sorry to interrupt.
Go ahead, babe.

184
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:03,215
Uh, no, it's also-- It's also
where I go to work on myself.

185
00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:05,259
I take my comb...
Yeah, Alex,

186
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,094
And I just start to...
Alex, come here.
Watch this.

187
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,054
Watch this.
Watch his technique.

188
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,056
I just... ever so...
Uh-huh...

189
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,391
And it's just--
Alex, you watching this?

190
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:14,393
Watch his downstrokes.
Oh, my goodness.

191
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,936
You know,
a thousand combs a day.

192
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,062
Not a comb shy, Alex.

193
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,438
1,000.
What...

194
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,983
How else do you think
I get this perfect coat?
And it is perfect.

195
00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:23,110
And it is perfect, Alex.
(nervous laughter)

196
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,113
It's great.
Almost as good as mine.

197
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,447
I don't--

198
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,575
What is your regimen for this?
You know, I do
want to ask you,

199
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:31,910
is how do you...?
Au naturel,
yeah. Au naturel.

200
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:35,622
I have a bunch of dreadlocked
fur around my asshole.

201
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,916
My asshole looks
like Rob Zombie.

202
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,918
♪ I am the Astro-Creep ♪

203
00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,670
(imitating guitar riff)
Yeah!

204
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,213
Okay, we've got more
of the apartment to see.

205
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,339
Why don't we
go ahead and...
Okay, cool.

206
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:45,757
I'd love to see more.

207
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,968
And I think Mom said
she was gonna place
a runner in this hallway

208
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,803
because it's
getting a little...
Oh, it was right here.

209
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,472
Sorry to interrupt.
What is that over there?

210
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,057
Um...

211
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,475
I'm sorry, my...
(muttering)

212
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,603
Why is he having
a Vietnam flashback
over there?

213
00:07:57,603 --> 00:07:59,187
Fuck...
Well...

214
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:02,274
uh, he gets
very sensitive when
the shot box is brought up...

215
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,818
Uh-huh.
I don't wanna go
in the shot box!

216
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,862
You're not going in the--
Don't put me in
the shot box, man!

217
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,906
No one's putting you
in the shot box, Phil, okay?

218
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:11,199
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

219
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:14,202
It's just whenever someone
brings up the shot box,
I get all freaked out.

220
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,954
What happens
in the shot box?

221
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,457
We get locked
in it, and then
they bring us somewhere,

222
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:21,919
and then some motherfucker
sticks us with shots.

223
00:08:21,919 --> 00:08:23,587
The shot box
is not a good place.

224
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,172
You don't wanna go
in the shot box, Alex.

225
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:26,798
You don't wanna
be in the shot box, Alex.

226
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,133
That's all I'll say.

227
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,593
Yeah...

228
00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:31,386
So, about that litter box?

229
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,597
Uh, I could really
use a shit.

230
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,182
Oh, cool.
It's just
down the hall here,

231
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,392
and then to the left.
Perfect.

232
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,727
Oh, I hope
he has a good shit.

233
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,604
I hope he passes well.
I hope he does.

234
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,648
♪ ♪

235
00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:44,608
Come on, come on.
What do we got?
What do we got?

236
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,568
Where is it?

237
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:48,779
Come on, come on.

238
00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:49,947
Bingo!

239
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,448
Jackpot.

240
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,328
Just put it--

241
00:08:56,328 --> 00:08:58,288
We cannot put the snack
within the food,
'cause then he--

242
00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,706
He's coming.
Oh, all right.

243
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,874
I'm gonna get going.

244
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,167
You're leaving?
Yeah.

245
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,711
Yeah, I just used
the litter box.
Thank you so much, guys.

246
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,837
Nice meeting you.
No, you gotta stay.

247
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,339
Wait, wait, wait.
You gotta stay.

248
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,800
I mean, I got a bunch
of stuff to do. I really
should hit the road.

249
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,343
Alex, we know you're
super busy,

250
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,345
and we just thought
we'd lay out all this stuff.

251
00:09:13,345 --> 00:09:16,306
Look, we have, um,
four different types
of dry food,

252
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,309
and we have eight types
of cat toys that
we can all play with

253
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,019
and share together.
And we figured,

254
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:23,355
I don't know,
as our new best friend,

255
00:09:23,355 --> 00:09:25,357
we should feast
together a little bit.

256
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,694
Wow. I mean... thank you.

257
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,362
I don't know what to say.

258
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,656
Don't say anything. Eat.

259
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:34,700
(gobbling)

260
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:35,867
Whoa.
Okay.

261
00:09:35,867 --> 00:09:37,202
Wow.

262
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,161
Alex, you're--

263
00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:40,080
When's the last time
you've eaten, buddy?

264
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,498
(gobbling)

265
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,416
Okay, gross.

266
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:43,709
He's eating the toys, too.

267
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:46,128
I think he's eating
the toys at this point.
He's just...

268
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,212
He's so-- Okay.

269
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:49,256
(gagging)
Whoa, he's just--

270
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,133
Easy. Breathe, breathe.
Wow.

271
00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:53,468
Breathe.
Shh. Shh.

272
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:54,678
That was nuts.

273
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:55,971
That was fucking nuts.

274
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,348
(panting)
That was pretty
fucked up and wild.

275
00:09:58,348 --> 00:09:59,766
That was sick.

276
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,268
That was sick.
That was cool.

277
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,686
That was really cool.

278
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:05,105
Hey, Alex, by the way,
have you ever, um,
tried catnip before?

279
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,859
'Cause we recently
got this new strain,
and it is primo stuff.

280
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:10,110
Oh, you gotta
try it, Alex.

281
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,738
No, I've never even--
What is that? Is that like...

282
00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:16,241
It's just a super chill
thing that Mike and I
use to sort of relax

283
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,243
and really just kind of...
just take the edge off.
Hang out,

284
00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,953
and take the edge off,
you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.

285
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:20,996
Well, I like
the sound of that.

286
00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:21,997
Let me light you, dude.

287
00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:23,623
Take that in.
(burbling)

288
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:27,711
Watch how he's just
sucking it up. He's not
being a pussy about it.

289
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,129
Hold it in, bitch.

290
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,130
(coughing)

291
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,174
Yeah, he coughs a lot.

292
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,383
I'm cool.

293
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:34,509
You take a hit, man.

294
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,011
Uh, me? I--
Here, Mike.

295
00:10:36,011 --> 00:10:38,847
Here take the bong,
Mike. Light him up.
Uh, sure.

296
00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,307
Breathe in deep.
Okay.

297
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,683
Like this?
Nice, yeah, dude.

298
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:43,810
Hold it in.
hold it in.

299
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:45,562
Oh... fuck...

300
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:46,688
(laughing)

301
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,148
Whoa!
He's so high!

302
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,192
Alex is fucked up!

303
00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:51,818
Oh, fuck...

304
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,195
He's feeling it now.

305
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,905
You're feeling it.
Haha!

306
00:10:54,905 --> 00:11:01,036
(laughing)

307
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,954
(groaning)

308
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:06,875
♪ ♪

309
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,799
(applause)

310
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:31,483
Excuse me?

311
00:11:31,483 --> 00:11:33,527
Huh?
Are you okay?

312
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:34,569
Hi-- Yeah.

313
00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:36,696
Oh, you just seemed kind of--
a little lost,

314
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,990
so I just wanted to come over
and introduce myself.

315
00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:39,950
I'm Olivia.

316
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:41,618
Hi. I'm...
Sorry, I'm Shane.

317
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:42,828
I'm new here. I--

318
00:11:42,828 --> 00:11:43,954
Can I ask you a question?

319
00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:44,996
Sure.

320
00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:47,457
And forgive me
if it's too personal,

321
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:49,626
but are you... a black swan?

322
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,255
Am I a black swan?

323
00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:54,339
That was the question.

324
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,507
Right.

325
00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,134
Um...

326
00:11:57,134 --> 00:11:58,844
Yeah. Yeah.
(gasps) I knew it!

327
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:00,971
Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.
I knew it,
I knew it, I knew it!

328
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,180
That's why I came over.

329
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:03,640
'Cause I got so excited
'cause I saw you,
Oh.

330
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,517
and I 've never seen
anybody like you over
here before,

331
00:12:05,517 --> 00:12:07,185
and you just stood out.
You seem different.

332
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,311
Oh, thank you.

333
00:12:08,311 --> 00:12:10,230
Yeah, I'm a black swan.

334
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,314
I'll show you
around, okay?

335
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:12,607
Okay.
Just follow me.

336
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,817
Okay, great.

337
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,318
Wow.

338
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,529
This place
is pretty incredible.

339
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,698
This is Central Park!

340
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:22,742
It's a place where
anything could happen,
dreams come true...

341
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,494
Ooh, I see my friend, HandM.

342
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,246
HandM!

343
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,875
Oh, HandM, this is Shane.
Shane, HandM.

344
00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:31,126
Hi.
Hi. I'm sorry,

345
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,586
Your name is Shane?
Yeah.

346
00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:34,421
Yeah, they should
take away the "ane,"

347
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,840
just call you "Sh"
'cause I don't want
to hear you talk.

348
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,091
(chuckles)

349
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,968
Shane's from, uh--
Wait, where are you
from again?

350
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,845
Oh, just like, over...

351
00:12:41,845 --> 00:12:43,597
the... freeway.
Oh, yeah, the freeway.

352
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:46,516
The freeway? What do
we got here, a goose?

353
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,268
(laughing)

354
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,936
Oh, God, no.

355
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,605
This guy is a swan, right?

356
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,106
Yeah.
'Cause I'm just saying,

357
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,941
Shane, you don't seem
like the other swans I know.

358
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,943
Well, I'm... I'm black.

359
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,445
Oh, you're
a black swan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

360
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,447
All right. So, you know
the swan song,
you know all the---

361
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:01,531
Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

362
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,450
Hey, uh, Shane,
I wanted to ask you,

363
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,618
what is the swan song?

364
00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:06,369
Come on.
What? Olivia?

365
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:08,580
If he's a swan,
he knows the swan song.

366
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:09,789
Of course.

367
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:11,958
Okay, so--

368
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,835
Shane, you didn't tell me
what the swan song was.

369
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,670
Oh, I didn't tell you.
You were asking me?

370
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,839
Yeah.
I... Don't you know?

371
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:18,882
No, I know what it is.

372
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,133
Prove it. Prove that
you know what it is.

373
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,259
"Country Grammar" by Nelly.

374
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,386
Right, exactly, it's
"Country Grammar" by Nelly.

375
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,514
All right. So, you're a swan.

376
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,725
Whew. I hate geese, man.

377
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:29,726
Yeah, me too.

378
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,186
I'm not even sure
geese are real.

379
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:32,854
The honking though?
The sound they make?

380
00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:34,314
Why would anybody honk?
It's like--

381
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,233
Yeah.
That's not the sound
a swan makes.

382
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,192
Totally, totally.

383
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,402
Oh, Shane, my dog.
Yeah?

384
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,405
I wanted to mention,
now that you're down
with the crew,

385
00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,741
Cool.
I'm actually gonna
be deejaying tonight

386
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,867
at Club Men.
Oh, yeah!

387
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,160
You gotta come!

388
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,371
Right here, baby.
Your golden ticket.
Check it out.

389
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:50,622
That sounds super fun.

390
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:52,791
HandM:
So, see you there?

391
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,669
♪ ♪

392
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:57,837
Mike:
Oh, no, click that one.

393
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,172
You ever
see this one?
Oh, this one.

394
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,257
No, no, no,
hit that one.

395
00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:01,675
(laughing)
(groaning)

396
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:04,761
No, hold up, watch this--
This is my favorite part.

397
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,388
What the fuck
was in that?

398
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,723
(laughing)

399
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:11,559
Oh, right?
Oh, fuck...

400
00:14:11,559 --> 00:14:14,813
Aah!

401
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,690
I-- I'm a kitten again.

402
00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:20,277
And there's all
 my brothers and sisters.

403
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,904
They're all getting bought
 and going to different homes.

404
00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:24,364
But not me.

405
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:25,949
Whoa, whoa, whoa...

406
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,158
He's coming for me now.

407
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:28,285
What? Get off me!

408
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:29,786
Aah!

409
00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,621
He tossed me into an alley.

410
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:32,580
Alone.

411
00:14:32,580 --> 00:14:33,665
(thunder rumbles)

412
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,166
Scared.

413
00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:37,294
He made me an alley cat.

414
00:14:37,294 --> 00:14:39,004
(whimpering)

415
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,338
Alex, Alex, Alex!

416
00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:41,506
Alex, wake up!
You all right, man?

417
00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,383
(sighs)
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

418
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,801
Yeah, I just, I--

419
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,470
I had this crazy flashback.

420
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:48,722
Really?
Whoa.

421
00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:50,140
Yeah, it's awful.
Well, you're safe now.

422
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:51,266
You're here
with us, man.

423
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:53,727
Everything's cool.
We care for
you, you know?

424
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,979
(sighs) Oh, fuck.

425
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,522
Um... (clears throat)

426
00:14:57,522 --> 00:14:59,190
I lied to you guys.

427
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:03,528
I'm an alley cat.
I came in here to--
I came here to rob you guys.

428
00:15:03,528 --> 00:15:04,988
It's really lame.

429
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:08,366
I'm so embarrassed.
Here you go. Here's
all your stuff back.

430
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:09,701
I'm so...

431
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,996
Are you done?

432
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:15,498
Are you done with
your little speech?
Are you done with your speech?

433
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:18,168
(snickering)

434
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,754
Uh, why is that funny?

435
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:22,339
Look at his face!
Look at his face.

436
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,424
Oh my God,
he's so honest now.

437
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:25,925
He's honest now.
He's Honest Alex now.

438
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,260
Alex, Alex,

439
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:28,803
you think we didn't
know that the whole time?

440
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,764
Alex: What do you mean--
Alex, you think
we're dumb-dumbs?

441
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:32,015
You think we're
fucking idiots, man?

442
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,433
(laughing)
Okay, guys,

443
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,643
I'm gonna go.
It's time for me to leave.
No, no, no, no, no!

444
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:36,853
Alex, Alex, Alex.

445
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,021
Alex, you don't
get it, man.

446
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,689
You're ours now, dude.

447
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,441
(laughing)

448
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,361
What-- Uh,
what do you guys mean?
What are you talking about?

449
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:45,570
Yeah, we own you, Alex,

450
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,781
and frankly,
we're just gonna
fuck you up, dude.

451
00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:48,782
(laughing maniacally)

452
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:49,783
Oh, look at that!

453
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:51,701
Mikey's got
a little knifey!
Oh, fuck!

454
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,870
Help me!
Mikey's got
a little knifey!

455
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:54,954
Help, somebody help!

456
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,915
(laughing continues)
Somebody help!

457
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:58,291
Help me!

458
00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:09,594
(electronic music playing)

459
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,263
I can't hear you, Club Men,
make some noise!

460
00:16:12,263 --> 00:16:15,683
(cheering)
DJ HandM coming at you
hot, right now!

461
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,519
Who's ready for some Nelly?!

462
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:18,853
Finally, some Nelly!
Okay, no,

463
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:20,146
I left it at home. Um...

464
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,482
Here's something
that sounds similar to Nelly.

465
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:26,152
You know, library music
from some sort of--
Just as good.

466
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,237
(hip-hop beat plays)

467
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:28,696
(laughing)

468
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,031
You're so easy to talk to.

469
00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:31,741
You, too!
I was just gonna say,

470
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:33,118
you are so easy to talk to.

471
00:16:33,118 --> 00:16:34,494
That's so funny
that you were--
Thanks.

472
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:35,995
I'd like
to make a toast.
Yes.

473
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,373
Um, I'm really happy
that I met you,

474
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:39,916
and you seem
really nice.

475
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:41,042
To Shane and Olivia!

476
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,419
To Shane and Olivia.

477
00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,920
Cheers!
Cheers!

478
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,964
Crowd: Whoo!

479
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:47,590
This is it, okay!

480
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:49,426
Okay, see my hips?

481
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,927
Whoa, he's got the sticks!

482
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,513
You have really
beautiful eyes.

483
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,598
I was just gonna
say the same thing.

484
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:59,060
Well, I have to admit
something to you.

485
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:01,062
Anything.

486
00:17:01,062 --> 00:17:03,940
I've never been
with a black guy before.

487
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,900
(moaning)

488
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,026
Oh, my God.

489
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,862
Let me just
lift up my feathers.
Oh, my God.

490
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:09,821
Here we go.

491
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,450
(Olivia and Shane groaning)

492
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:17,328
(groaning intensifies)

493
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:18,329
(music stops)

494
00:17:18,329 --> 00:17:25,420
(Shane honking rhythmically)

495
00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:28,548
(honking loudly)

496
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,674
Wait, what was that?!

497
00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,384
What?
Dude, you just honked!

498
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,844
HandM, what are you
doing in here?!

499
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,179
He's a goose,
I told you!

500
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:35,513
That's a goose's honk!

501
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:36,890
What are you
talking about?

502
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,057
Shane's not a goose.

503
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,018
Right, Shane?

504
00:17:40,018 --> 00:17:41,519
Olivia, I'm sorry.

505
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:42,979
(crowd gasps)
Oh, God!

506
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,732
I'm still the same bird.

507
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,192
Just get out of here.

508
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:50,236
Get out of my club.

509
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,237
Goose!

510
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,198
Get out of here, honky!

511
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,365
Are you kidding me,
a goose?!

512
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,367
I'm 'bout to lose
my shit on this goose!

513
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:57,368
Back up, back up, back up!

514
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,579
Get your fucking
wings off me, bro!

515
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:04,209
(sighs)

516
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,087
(snoring)

517
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:19,265
Olivia:
Hey, Shane.

518
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:26,606
(sighs)
Hi, Olivia.

519
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,441
So, was everything
between us a lie?

520
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,611
No. I've never met
anyone like you.

521
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,988
Well, I've never met
anyone like you.

522
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,407
But I just
can't stay here.

523
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,700
Where are you going?

524
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:40,745
Well, I'm not sure.

525
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:45,333
But what I do know
is that this place just--
It's not for me.

526
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:47,710
I'm just a simple goose.

527
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,547
If you ever change your mind,
you know where I'll be.

528
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:53,675
In or around the men's public
restroom in Central Park.

529
00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:56,469
It was nice
meeting you, Olivia.

530
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,637
All right.

531
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,846
All right.

532
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:07,689
♪ ♪

533
00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:09,649
So, anyway, we were
right over Calgary, right?

534
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,858
Right. Right. Yup.
You remember that?

535
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,527
And we were flying--
I'm in third position.

536
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:13,903
Oh, you remember
Gary, right?

537
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,738
Gary, he could never
stay in the V.

538
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:16,864
As hard as he tried.

539
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,866
Then that big bird came,
that big Boeing.
Right.

540
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:19,951
Lo and behold...

541
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,120
Shane:
Gary gets sucked right
into that engine,

542
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,289
And poof!
Just a cloud of feathers.

543
00:19:24,289 --> 00:19:25,623
Gary is gone!

544
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:26,708
(laughing)
Shane's back!

545
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:27,917
Oh, Shane!
What's up, guys?

546
00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,502
Exactly, yeah!

547
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,922
No, I mean, I saw bits
and pieces of Gary flying
all over the place.

548
00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,133
It's like, "There's some Gary.
There's some Gary.
Uh-huh.

549
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:36,801
"Hey, my best
friend, Gary!"

550
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,011
(laughing)
Yeah.

551
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:42,432
♪ ♪

552
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,686
All right, guys,
not funny anymore.

553
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,104
You can let me out now.

554
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:49,063
Guys!

555
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,273
Okay, so,
Alex, hey, uh--

556
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,441
Should I come out now?
Yeah, go, go.

557
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,442
Okay, okay.
Go. Show him.

558
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:54,235
Uh, hey, Alex,
what's up? It's Mike.

559
00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:55,445
Ooh. Wow.
Um--

560
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,238
Rev your tool.
Rev your tool.
Okay, right, right.

561
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,032
Oh...
Like a dentist?

562
00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:00,158
I don't even know.

563
00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:01,951
Tell me when to come out.
Okay, okay, hold on.

564
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,661
So, presenting, Phil...

565
00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:05,246
Bah-buh, baah!

566
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:07,790
(laughing)
I don't know, I just
ordered it off the Internet.

567
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:08,875
I don't know,
it's spooky enough.

568
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,043
No, it's good. It's good.

569
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,669
I don't really know
what it means or anything.

570
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,004
Alex, what are you
thinking about these?

571
00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:14,088
Who's scarier?
Are these, um...

572
00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:15,131
Fuck the both of you, man!

573
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,382
I'm gonna
straight up murder you!

574
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,676
I'm gonna cut you open
and I'm gonna rape you, buddy!

575
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,053
What? Phil, okay,
let's hold on.
I'm sorry.

576
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,929
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean the rape thing.

577
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:23,014
Help!

578
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:24,390
No.
That's not gonna
do anything.

579
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,850
Help!
That's okay.

580
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,353
Phil, you know what,
your back thing, the buckle,
I just need to fix it.

581
00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,937
Thank you so much.
Just turn around
for a second.

582
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:31,856
Thank you, honey,
thank you.
Fuck. Okay, Alex.

583
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:34,359
Think. Think,
think, think, think...

584
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,860
Wait a minute.

585
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,698
Holy shit, it's the same lock.

586
00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:41,699
All right, Alex.

587
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:44,285
Get ready to open up,
in more ways than one.

588
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:45,203
(laughing)

589
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,871
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait, wait, wait!

590
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,373
Before you guys kill me,

591
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:49,749
Phil, would you, uh...

592
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:50,708
Hmm?

593
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:52,210
Would you mind
reading from your novel?

594
00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,753
From my novel?
No, I couldn't.

595
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,129
It's still in
a first draft.
Wait, Phil,

596
00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:56,297
this is perfect, actually.

597
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:57,757
What? Why?
Well, now you
have an audience.

598
00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:59,092
I think Alex
really wants to hear it.

599
00:20:59,092 --> 00:21:00,843
It's just like
a last rites thing.

600
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,261
It'd be a nice way
for me to go.

601
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,347
Okay. All right,
I'm gonna do it.

602
00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:05,431
Okay, cool.
Okay, okay.

603
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,600
Okay, this is the middle
of chapter 18.

604
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,477
Oh, I love 18.
Okay, great.

605
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,187
Okay, everyone shut up. Hehe.

606
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:13,439
"It was a dark
and stormy night last fall.

607
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,108
"Phil was always
afraid of thunder.

608
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,734
"It reminded him
of a vacuum."

609
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,236
Easy, easy...

610
00:21:18,236 --> 00:21:20,822
"As he cowered in fear
like a stupid little baby
under the couch,"

611
00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:22,031
Yes!

612
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:24,117
"he thought that
maybe things
Peace out, motherfuckers.

613
00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:26,327
"weren't gonna be
that good after that.
Until he saw a paw."

614
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:27,370
Oh, man.

615
00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,122
"He saw Mike."

616
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,289
Okay, that's it.
Dude!

617
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,166
That's all I'm gonna read
for now. Was that good?

618
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,251
Yes, dude,
are you kidding me?

619
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,128
Well, you
inspired me to do it!

620
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:37,505
Honestly, I bet there's
not a dry eye in the house.

621
00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:38,631
Uh...
You know what, he's gone.

622
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,216
'Cause we were
looking at each other.

623
00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:43,761
We were making pretty intense
eye contact throughout that.
I can't not.

624
00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:44,762
Fuck.

625
00:21:44,762 --> 00:21:45,722
Should we...

626
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,390
chase after him?
I don't know.

627
00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:48,850
What time is it?

628
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:50,059
It's 3:30.

629
00:21:51,477 --> 00:21:53,020
(yawns)

630
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:58,860
(snoring)

631
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,069
I love you, Phil.

632
00:22:00,069 --> 00:22:01,487
I love you, Mike.

633
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,156
I love you
so much, Mike.

634
00:22:06,409 --> 00:22:08,703
(applause)

635
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:23,676
(excited chattering)

636
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:25,928
I loved it. It was great.
Chapter seven...

637
00:22:29,432 --> 00:22:31,100
How many of these
do we have?

638
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,393
I'm getting kind of tired.

639
00:22:32,393 --> 00:22:34,812
Parched too.
If I could get a water,
that'd be great.

640
00:22:34,812 --> 00:22:36,689
All right,
what's your name, brother?

641
00:22:36,689 --> 00:22:37,815
Hi, my name is Max.

642
00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:38,775
Hey, Max.

643
00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,651
(stuttering) I-- I--
I run "Alex Questions,"

644
00:22:40,651 --> 00:22:43,154
the Tumblr blog that q--
that questions-- uh,
questioning your book.

645
00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:44,614
Oh, you write that?

646
00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:47,283
There's just a lot
of holes and-- and questions
that a lot of us have.

647
00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:50,703
You're saying that you were
assaulted, but you don't show
any of the typical signs

648
00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:51,996
of... post-traumatic
s-- stress--

649
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,165
Did you fabricate-- D-- Did
you fabricate the-- the book?

650
00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:56,501
No. And I went through
a lot of therapy

651
00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:58,503
to help me with my PTSD,

652
00:22:58,503 --> 00:23:00,463
thank you, and I'm
a strong person.

653
00:23:00,463 --> 00:23:02,548
Unlike some people
that write a blog.

654
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:03,591
You ever written a book?

655
00:23:03,591 --> 00:23:05,343
I wrote a children's book
when I was 22.

656
00:23:05,343 --> 00:23:06,385
What's it called?

657
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:07,553
"The Third Best Tree."

658
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:08,971
"The Third Best Tree"?

659
00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:12,433
Hey, everybody, the author of
"The Third Best Tree" is here.

660
00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:14,227
"The Third Best Tree" is
a fiction book, sir, and y--

661
00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:15,561
you're claiming this
is a memoir, sir.

662
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:17,230
It is a memoir, a good one.

663
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:18,523
A lot of people suspect
that you fff...

664
00:23:18,523 --> 00:23:21,025
fabricated sss...
some portions of
the story wholesale.

665
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,653
Well, d-d-d-d-d-d-d I didn't.

666
00:23:23,653 --> 00:23:25,363
Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks.

667
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,781
Discrimination.
Discrimination?

668
00:23:26,781 --> 00:23:28,199
Answer the facts, sir.
Answer the question!

669
00:23:28,199 --> 00:23:30,326
Don't make fun of
the messenger's
childhood stutter.

670
00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:34,705
Aah!

671
00:23:34,705 --> 00:23:38,209
♪ In times for dreams ♪

672
00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:41,379
♪ Did you cross a drinking? ♪

673
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:44,340
♪ 'Cause we she said ♪

674
00:23:44,340 --> 00:23:49,345
♪ Get out to see ♪

675
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:52,807
♪ Boy, you drag me ♪

676
00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:55,935
♪ Stepping stars ♪

677
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:59,438
♪ She goes, she said ♪

678
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:03,693
♪ Get out to see ♪

679
00:24:03,693 --> 00:24:06,112
♪ This is ♪

680
00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:08,114
♪ High heel ♪

681
00:24:08,114 --> 00:24:12,618
♪ Dreams are so true ♪

682
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,370
♪ She said ♪

683
00:24:14,370 --> 00:24:18,541
♪ Get out to see ♪

684
00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:22,503
♪ In times for dreams ♪

685
00:24:22,503 --> 00:24:26,007
♪ Did you cross a drinking? ♪

686
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:29,010
♪ 'Cause we she said ♪

687
00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:33,347
♪ Get out to see ♪